Feminity and Friendships

Lately I have been trying to find my femininity. No, I have never lacked it but lately I've also been working in a kitchen where a woman's femininity is crushed, burned then stabbed with a knife. To say the least, or better yet, to quote Rattatouille:

Linguini: Listen, I just want you to know how honored I am to be studying under such a -...
Colette: [pins Linguini's sleeve with a knife] No, you listen! I just want you to know exactly who you are dealing with! How many women do you see in this kitchen?
Linguini: Well, I uh -...
Colette: [pins Linguini's sleeve with another knife] Only me. Why do you think that is? Because high cuisine is an antiquated hierarchy built upon rules written by stupid, old men. Rules designed to make it impossible for women to enter this world, but still I'm here. How did this happen?
Linguini: Well because you, because you -...
Colette: [pins Linguini's sleeve with a third knife] Because I am the toughest cook in this kitchen! I have worked too hard for too long to get here, and I am not going to jeopardize it for some garbage boy who got lucky! Got it?
Linguini: Wow!

Yeah, it goes something like that.

I am starting to find it harder to share my emotions or to feel vulnerable, I guess the latter is a good thing. Yet, I am a young woman and as a young woman I do want what other young women or girls want. Illusions. Illusions of love, illusions of truly finding someone. Yet, on the other hand, I did call them illusions, because even before working in a kitchen I found thinking logically or factually gave my world comfort and structure. I like structure it's nice. Yet, many people think this is the very contradictory of my belief in God. I think not. I believe God loves structure and reasoning. Everything he created has so much perfection and structure. The little understanding I have of science has expanded my belief in the almighty. I see science as the creations God has allowed his children to 'discover.' I am a big believer in miracles and I truly believe that God can do anything. I don't have the same faith in humans, but I do have faith in God. I find it truly comforting that no matter where I move to, I recognize him. Whether it be at the new church I'm attending or while shopping for groceries. I recognize him. I know he is there with me, and yes this might be a little selfish of me, but really what human isn't. He is my dearest friend. The one that fills those lonely moments. He is my father, the one that makes me feel protected when I am home alone. It is for these reasons that the world might see me as fearless sometimes. It is not my lack of fear but my faith in God.

I don't know if everything I write is always right, but I do know this is how I see the world.

A friend recently posted a note on facebook concerning friendships. It doesn't really matter what he wrote, what matters that it got me to think. About friendships in general. About intimacy and our role in peoples lives. As I stated above I do have some illusions of intimacy. Though friendships for me right now are most important. The other I see somewhere far in the future currently out of my reach, which I guess has made me an unusually patient young female. It has made me not analyze every friendship I have with the opposite sex as a possible future candidate. Which trust me every female does and yes, even I used to do it at one point, which is why I can talk so frankly about it. It has given me inner peace. I know the Lord's hand is in this. For the moment I want to share my opinions and faith with others. Form friendships that will stay with me forever. I know these friendships will not satiate my wanting for intimacy but neither am expecting them to. The only fulfillment of intimacy we can ever achieve is through God. That is my honest belief.

This post didn't necessarily have a fixed topic or even a point. It was just a way or means if you will, to let you in my thoughts. What point or use is that? I don't know. A way for me to open up.